RWP NaPoWriMo #7

The mission today was to write a Tanka about a moment where love went silly.

The Fall for Me Tanka

We sat on a stump
and talked, held hands, lip-locked hard,
falling in sweet love.
Then she tumbled back, feet up,
laughing as dry rot gave way.

or

We sat on a stump
and talked, held hands, lip locked hard,
her skin smooth, scent sweet.
Then she tumbled back, feet up,
laughing as dry rot gave way.

Can’t decide whether to go for the pivot or more imagery.  Thoughts?

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19 thoughts on “RWP NaPoWriMo #7

  1. Pingback: Bliss « Poemblaze Blog

  2. I prefer the second: it’s more concrete, and I also think it allows ‘she tumbled’ to act as a physical manifestation of falling in love, thus leaving the reader to make the connection.

  3. It’s close, both work. My euro is on version one, as there is no way this reader could have predicted the first fall to be followed by the second (the reverse might have worked but been more predictable). The really happened part makes this magic. Well done.

  4. I agree that the first one appeals to me more, but I might just be conditioned after reading others on the same prompt. The pivot’s terseness sets up the punch-line.

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